As life changing...

Assalamualaikum...

hai ! it has been too long since i last posted here, kan? hehe..sorry. my bad. so, a few updates on my current life right now :
1.  I has been transferred to hospital. yeay! and i am so loving it here. despite the heavy workloads and the 24-hours working shift.
2.  i have found someone. basically, he came and find me. :) he and his family came to our house to kenal-kenal. so, hopefully it all will went well. amin. pray for me!

thats the two things thats keeping me from updating this blog. will try my best to write here. since i love writing and i love making poems. rindunya nak buat poems. wait.... :))

so, happy december to all of you that read this. ntah2 xde orang bace pon. hahaha. silly me. x kesah pon.

till then.. wassalam. 

I am still here

Assalamualaikum...

Dear blog, thank you for being such a patient blog (for what ever that means).. i know i have been ranting and complaining about mostly bad things in my life. Not that i blamed myself for being such a crappy blogger. But, thanks anyway. You gave a chance to let out all my feelings that i cannot say it out loud. Thanks to you, i have become a better writer.

My life has had many many ups and downs.. mostly down. Everytime good things happen, bad things also happen. So, i always think, why did this has to be me? Why can't i live a simpler life? Why my life is so complicated? Well, i supposed that should make me stronger. I am stronger. But, somehow, my heart has hardened. It became less heartily and it scares me. I am scared of myself. I always thought i am better than anyone. I am. But i wished i am not.

I want to get married. I want to start a family. But not the way my parents want me to. I want a guy to want to marry me, not because of my family. I want a guy who loves me, no matter how bad i am, regardless of my bad habits. I want him to understand me, someone who can withstand me, my temper, my jealousy, my fluctuates emotions. I just want someone who can compliment me, complete the remaining parts of me. But, no matter how hard i try, it just seems so wrong. I always meet the wrong guy.

Being in a judgmental community is hard. I don't want to explain myself why i am still single, while my younger sister is married and expecting her 1st baby. I am sick of this kind of society. Why can't you all leave me alone? Let me decide when i want to get married.

I'm gonna stop myself here. The longer i write, the more emotional this entry will be. Stay tuned for any , what ever. Bye.


Wassalam.

bad sign

salam.

i am here. it's almost everytime i am here, it means i'm not in a good mood. yes. i am not.
have been feeling miserable since friday. i am not quite sure why. but i am feeling sad. angry.
also, i keep waking up in the middle of the night. and starts thinking. bad habit. (please don't mind the grammar. i'm not in the mood for a beautiful sentence with the correct grammar. huh )
just now, i snapped at my ex-bf (now a fren), without solid reasons. im sure he is in shock as well as i am. i cant cry. don't know what to be cried about. i cant complaint. don't have anyone who is willing to hear my crap.
for once, i just want everything to fall in it's place. not scattered and shattered. just like my life now. everything that i did seems wrong.
i should stop here. before i turn into a crappy-aimi. just dont read this if u feel annoyed with me. ok. now im sarcactic. this is a very very bad sign. bad. very.

the fiftieth day....

Assalamualaikum, dear blog.

Sorry for not updating for quite a while. Otak dan sendi2 tangan dah berkarat nak menulis & menaip. Tapi, arini terasa nak update. Terasa nak buat impromptu poem ari jumaat ni.

Title: Here And Nowhere.

Today i woke up and i smiled,
Brushed my teeth and i prayed,
Took my bath and i clothed myself,
Ate my breakfast and my morning coffee.

Today they say is a new day,
Instead just a new date,
Today i am still here,
Just like yesterday, and the day before.

Maybe i am a coward,
For not wanting what everyone wants,
I might be a fool,
For always playing cool.

I found joy, nowhere,
I seek love, but nowhere to be found,
I hide my feelings, here in my heart,
And I am still here, struggling to live.

You might not understand,
Why i wrote this,
But, you would probably know,
The reason behind this fear.

I am here, but nowhere near.

by: Aimi R. (15th April 2011, 1.21 pm)

photoblogging

Salam all...

Should i start a photoblog? what say you?


(i used a preset setting, er..two actually. csi miami + a B&W preset)

although it is a bit late, i finally installed my cute Laptop a Lightroom..yeay! quite interesting i must say.

getting better

Salam.

yesterday, Dr. J, the person that i admire (either as photographer or as a doctor), comments this on my facebook post:

" You are getting better & better Aimi...membuatkan saya nak keluar ambik gambar aje.."

that simple comment really made my day...hearing someone that is considered "otai" telling you, that you are getting better, means that i took better picture nowadays compared to my earlier shots. so, that means i did learned something in this 1 year after my canon 500d was bought.

i was hoping to become better this year, shoot better picture, and i am aiming for a new "guy". It's about time i should upgrade my 500d. now, need to kumpul some money.

4th January - that date was my 27th birthday. i didn't write any entry, because i somehow realized that i have been blogging everytime it's my birthday for the past two years. (wow...it's 2-y-o already? now entering the 3rd year..). so, i decided not to this year.

i started with potraiture as my interest, but as time goes by, i feels that i might as well have come to like landscape and nature now. but, whatever genre that i interested in, i will make sure that my picture has "moment" in it.

so now....targetting a new UWA lens.. :)

happy new year!

Salam.

well, in just a few hours, it will be 2011. wow! time flies so fast. without we know it, it already a year. 2010 is a very eventful year for me. full of tears, cheers and trips! haha....
2011? hmm, just want it to come and be smooth for me. not expecting anything, or hoping for a miracle ti happen. what will happen, will happen, by Allah's will. i believe that.
Just want to sharpen my photography skills and i want to achieve something in this field. It is still a long journey, since i am still a "baby" in this field, compared to my friends. So, gambatte Aimi!!

2011, i welcome you! and oh, not to forget, i'll turn 27 next year (now is still 2010...haha!). So, may something big will happen next year! geee~~~ ^_^

menggamit memori.

Salam.

Today, i want to share a story with you guys (yg tgh baca blog ni...hehe). A story about me and one of the guys that had quite an impact on my life. I'll refer him as FF, okay! our story start quite late jugak lah.. it was 2001, and at that time, it was during SPM exam. (yup...the BIG exam). after finished answering one of the papers, (kalo xsilap add maths kot)...a schoolmate of mine came and gave me a letter. Kat depan tu tulis "utk Aimi (orang lain x boleh baca)" haha...lawak plak rase time tu. (surat tu? still dlm simpanan. sape2 nak bace, sila la ke rumah ok!) to cut it short, it was a confession letter. he said that he likes me since us in form 2 lagi. so, sbb that year was our last year in school, so, he decided to tell me. yang kelakarnya, surat tu dia tulis atas kertas A4 exam SPM yang ada tulis "SULIT" tu... so, esoknye, i replied his letter. before we enter the exam hall...haha. imagine mcm mana die jawab exam. berdebar nak mampus la kot... masa tu baru realized, kitorg duduk dalam row yang sama....=). i gave him my home phone number...so, lepas SPM, masa lepak2 kat rumah, he frequently called me and we became good friends. but, after some times, tak tau mcm mana, kitorg lost contact (dlm kata lain, dia stop contacting me).
and there came the matriks time.....
when i was in matriks , jumpa dengan dia punya bestfriend...so, we started contacting each other balik...until one day, he asked me out (dating la~!) and i said yes. itulah pertama kali dan kali terakhir i went out with a guy, on a date. And typical tpt dating masa tu, Midvalley. he came to my matriks (in PJ) to pick me up (by taxi...) and boleh la plak terpakai baju kaler sama ngan dia.
so, the date was fine and ok...and he was nice to me. and after that, he asked me what did i feel about him. at that time, being the commitment-phobic person, i said i need time. and i'm not ready for serious relationship. deep down, i like him too.
so, we parted that way and pernah jgk terjumpa dia kdg2...tapi sekarang dh xtau khabar dia... last time i heard, he was about to get engaged...tapi xtau la dh kawen ke x....
sometimes, ada terdetik rasa menyesal sbb tolak dia dulu...tapi tu semua mainan syaitan... apa yang jadi semua ketentuan Allah...doa saya, semoga awak bahagia. you deserved better.

updating....

Salam.

hehe...i know. dah lama tak update blog ni. takde masa actually. And takde isu jugak nak blogkan.
tapi, rindu nak berbelog.
okay, i'll start with the Nature Photocamp which i attended about a week ago. I went to Taman Negara Endau Rompin, Johor for that camp. Depart from KT, (using car abviously~!) around 715 am, and arrived at our (me & mizah) 1st pitstop, Kuantan sbb nak konvoi dgn shahreen. So, we had our brekfes dulu and about 1030 we begin our trip to Selai. Our 2nd pitstop, at Segamat, eat lunch at Restoran Asam Pedas (really really pedas i tell u!) and then we continued our driving and finally, arrived at Selai, around 330. and half & hour later, we (this time, it's 50 of us!) ride in 4WD to the base camp in Lubuk Takah.
There, we lived (sleep) in a pondok (3 ppl each pondok) the diner hall is just by the river. sangat cantik! we had our classes (talks) during nights and it was all shooting during the day. (sronok nye!)
the best thing about going there is that your phone will be "out of service"! imagine 3 days without anyone calling. heaven! when i 1st signed up for this photocamp, i want to learn how to take macro pictures, and i did it! one of my macro babies:

on the last day, we had a 1 hour trekking up to the Takah Pandan, one of the waterfalls there. it was very very tiring but, very refreshing, once you got there.

and upon returning, rasa sedih sgt sbb dh kena balik ke dunia "realiti" aka work~ huhu.
it was a GREAT experience with lots of pics taken...hehehe~
if ada lagi lepas ni, mmg nak join lagi.

*kakfadh: Soalan drAli mase sesi perkenal diri, "mana fadhilah? kenapa x dtg?" =))

kenapa saya suka menulis (or menaip)

Salam...

Actually, planning to write this on the 1st December which is about in 2 hours. But then, terfikir, kang tertido, x tulis plak. So, just pretend that i wrote this on the 1/12/2010...haha.
Okay, merujuk kepada perkara di atas (cewah~ dh mcm surat rasmi plak).. knape sy suka menulis (dalam terma zaman sekarang, menulis = menaip = blogging..kot?) . Hmm, tidak diketahui semenjak bila saya menjadi seorang penulis tegar (aka blogger) yang suka meluahkan perasaan melalui lewat kalam-kalam tulisannya...(yeah, i know...cheesy~) . Tapi, sejak zaman orang ada Diari lagi, saya dah mula menulis (betol2 punye tulis).. tapi, selalunya diari akan kantoi dengan family, pastu abis la dijaja satu kampung kandungan dalam diari tu...(malu la babe~!) so, saya pon berdiam diri dan tidak menulis lagi selepas itu. Kemudian, datanglah zaman orang duk sibuk nak berblog. Masa tu x teruja lagi. i just blogged using friendster blog. and when people are moving on to facebook, i started blogspot-ing. so, here i am today. blog lebih kurang sama je ngan physical diary, cuma kewujudan blog boleh dirahsiakan terutamanya dari kaum keluarga..(haha). dan walaupon ade yang membaca, tapi kandungannya tidaklah tersebar mana. jadi, selamat la sket..hahaha~ (ade eh reason cmtu?)
Selalu bercita-cita nak tulis novel, tapi sampai perenggan kedua je dah give-up. So, tulis luahan hati lebih senang kot...dari nak mereka cerita yang tak pernah alami.
Dan, saya juga suka tulis sajak. Walaupon tidaklah sehebat A.Samad Said, tapi bolehla setakat diri sndiri nak bace tu.. Poems are easier to write because tak payah pikir ayat panjang berjela just nak convey a message. a simple word such as "Darkness" can be interpreted into many different meanings....(sorry for the bahasa rojak). malas nak pikir kesesuaian tatabahasa dan lenggok bahasa. (hey, i am the secretary of Persatuan Bahasa Melayu during high school tau!) and oh! patutla saya suka menulis. Mmg minat bahasa rupanya. Tapi, macam mane la bleh tercampak jadi pharmacist plak ni? Krisis identiti betol.

so, itulah sebabnya kenapa saya suka menulis. (note: i am a "why" writer). go figure that out!

pening x tgk gambar ni? hehe... pic credit to: aimi reduzan.. -eh, cam kenal je? la...aku rupanya-


Signing out

the eleventh

salam.

it's the 11th entry for this month. quite a number huh? yeah, i know. this is what happens when aimi reduzan feels sad. she wrote a lot. i mean, A LOT. (tu x campur lagi monolog dalaman diri tu..haha). But, that's just who i am. I wrote what i feel. And i say it out loud what i feel. But, this time, i found my self (purposely dijarakkan "my" dengan "self" tu). And, i can't wait to find my "cinta hati"...

well, you may say i am a dreamer, but, without something to dream on, what's left in our life? *don't you know, dream makes our brain works harder?* haha...seriously.

and by the way, why the heck is grey's anatomy latest episode still not air yet?????

on serious note, i wish that my "cinta hati" will be a hot-sempoi-tapi-boleh-bimbing-aku Ashraff Omar and a blend of romantic-dan-sayang-aku-sorang-je Benz Alif. Ciri-ciri lain akan di up kemudian lepas dah bace semua novel Hlovate...hahahah. (mode: tahpape tahap langit petala ke-8)

XOXO~Sayurie

saya ingin menjadi baik

salam.

just now, finished reading "versus" by hlovate. sejujurnya, sangat terkesan novel tersebut di hati saya. tak pernah novel yang membuatkan saya ingin berubah menjadi lebih baik, walau bukan yang terbaik. Baik dalam erti kata menjadi hamba Allah yang lebih taat. Sesungguhnya untuk berubah itu bukan senang. Perlu ada kekuatan dalaman yang sangat teguh. Tetap dan takkan berpaling walau apa godaan datang mengganggu. Saya sedar, saya bukanlah perempuan yang baik secara keseluruhannya. Sekadar menutup aurat dan menunaikan 5 rukun islam belum menjadikan saya manusia yang baik. Baik adalah apabila kita "beriman" kepada Allah Taala. dan adakah menunaikan rukun islam dan beriman dengan rukun iman menjadikan kita beriman dalam erti kata sebenar? TIDAK. Segalanya berbalik kepada HATI (niat). Sekolah Agama selama 5 tahun belum cukup menjadikan saya manusia dan hamba Allah yang baik. Dan sedih rasanya kerana saya mengambil masa yang sangat lama untuk sedar hakikat ini. Semoga Allah berikan saya kekuatan untuk berubah manjadi lebih baik. Saat menulis entry ini ada suatu rasa yang sukar saya ungkapkan..Sebak, gembira, tenang, bercampur baur.
Tenang dan damai kerana saya tahu, Allah ada bersama saya. Dia masih sayangkan saya, kerana itu Dia berikan saya kesedaran ini. Perlahan-lahan, semoga saya mampu berubah. Kerana saya ingin berubah. Masih tidak terlambat rasanya.

Terima kasih, Allah. Alhamdulillah. i could not ask for more. this is more than enough.

Dengan nama Allah....

Allah menghapuskan apa jua yang dikehendakiNya dan Ia juga menetapkan apa jua yang dikehendakiNya. Dan (ingatlah) pada sisiNya ada "Ibu segala suratan".

from the bottom of my heart (read: broken)

Salam.

i hope you are reading this. IF you are reading this, means that you are still checking me out.. right? sigh. but, keep reading. this entry won't cost you a thing, but it cost me everything.
Remember when we were classmates? you are one of my bestest guy-friend. the other one is your bestfriend (used to be). i bet you didn't know that right? honestly, mase kat sekolah dulu, saya x ramai kawan lelaki. you are one of the most rapat dgn saya. Remember when me & my friend sent u a "love" letter that says ; "walaupon rupamu tidak kukenal, tetapi, lobang hidungmu tetap menjadi pojaan hatiku" .. kitorg bg ayat tu kat awak hari2... mesti awak menyampah kan? and mase hari valentine, kitorg bg awak ayat tu yang kitorg tulis atas daun (pengaruh cite Mohabbatein mase ni).. ingat x? Dulu, awak suka AM. sampai dah abis skolah pon awak still suke die. kitorg slalu jd tempat awak luah perasaan. tapi tu semua cite dulu.
Now, you are not the same person that i knew few years back. where did he go? sometimes, it's true when people say that environment can change someone. i think you have changed. changed to the bad side. berubah jadi orang lain yang saya x kenal. orang yang suka main-mainkan perasaan perempuan. awak penah ckp, "jgn risau, saya xkan mainkan awak" xpcaya ? sy ada bukti. SMS yang awak hantar. All of them. And from a non-smoker, you became one. sungguh saya x paham.
Tapi, saya dah give up. give up dgn awak. saya penat. sebab awak x jujur dgn saya. and i think this is the best for both of us. and you can meet all kind of women that you like. you can date them all.
And as for me, what's left with me is just the memory of you from our school days... sebab saya rase mase tu, sy lebih kenal awak. berbanding sekarang. i will go far from your life (that's what you want, kan?) sebab jauh di sudut hati awak, awk sebenarnya x pernah sayangkan saya (eventho you said you did). the longer this "relationship" goes on, it will only hurt us (or is it just me?).
Saya xkan doakan awak bahagia. kalau boleh, saya nak awak rase apa yang sy rase sekarang. Sebagai peringatan untuk awk. Sebab, awak xkan tau menghargai orang yang sayangkan awk, selagi awk x dikecewakan oleh orang yang awak sayang. it may sounds cruel, but that was reality.
Now, after finished reading this, you can go and get who-ever girl that you like. We are done.

guys are jerks

yup..guys are jerks. don't agree? GET OUT OF HERE !! now. well, not all, but most of them are.
guys thinks that they can have any girls that they want, because there's plenty of us out there kan? huh. lame!
to you, that breaks my precious heart, saye sumpah awak jadi KATAK ! yup, katak. mr.froggy. why katak? sebab katak binatang paling saya x suka. geli. well, have fun playing with girls' heart.... you'll get "rewarded" by Allah someday. you won't have an easy life. you'll not get married until .. let say..40? and i am damn serious.



just like that flowers.....that will be your life in the future. ( believe me, my words are 99 % accurate)

bila hati dan akal tidak seiring

salam !

Dah agak lame tidak berbelog secara serius. asyik keluh kesah je kan? nevermind...haha. But, to come up to this stage, where anything you did doesn't matter anymore, maksudnye, apabila, hati lebih laju bertindak daripada akal. Maka, terjadilah perkara yang dipanggil "kerja Gila".. :-P
Anyone who knew me, akan tau, tak ade org yang lebih gila dari saya. Buat ape2 selalu x pikir dulu. main redah je. lepas tu baru mnyesal (kdg2 je la). Tapi, prinsip yang selalu saye pegang, it's now or never. no in between. macam saye, saya selalu jatuh cinta (ye ke? ) dengan orang yang salah. Mana saya tau dia org yg salah? I knw. U knw. we all knw. Right? eheh. Lambatnye saya nak jumpe dengan "cinta hati" saya... awak, kalau awak jumpa saya, jangan buat2 sombong ,k? nanti makin lambat la kite jumpe...hehe. Tapi, tak tau la kalau sebenarnye kita dah jumpa, kan? hmm, awak yang mana satu eh? nanti saya nak buat satu entry blog khas untuk awak je...tunggu ek. And bila kita dah jumpe, awak kena baca, tau ! :)

(gamba credit to : Saya la....=)))

macam sepasang kasut kat atas ni, saya harap kita pon akan mcm tu jugak nanti... unseparable. sebab, kalo kasut tinggal sebelah, mcm mane nak jalan kan? hehe....

[idle]

salam...

hai~ ! (to whoever is reading my blog...haha)
lame tak mengupdate belog ini... malas pon satu hal... :)

i usually writes when there's something bothering me.
so, yes. u got that right..something IS bothering me.. most probably my paranoid brain..haha

there are a lot of things in my mind right now,
mostly due to work.

due to some circumtances, work is NEVER happy for me. orang kata, tak kenal maka tak cinta.
tapi kalo dah setahun kenal keje tu, tapi tak cinta2 jugak, camno tu?

and that's why if there is any seminar yang berkaitan ngan clinical, i WILL go.
at least during that time, i will enjoying myself.
miss doing ward rounds...
miss doing intervention...
miss googling for journals...
miss everything that is clinical ~~

*will endure my time here*
i only believe in 1 thing : Those who persevere, Allah will reward them later..if not now.
inshaAllah....

-silence-

Salam...

it has been a while.. since my last post.
Well, sometimes to be in silent mode is the best.
When you have nothing to say, nevertheless something to share.
Silence.. i hate that.
I hate when you are not replying my SMS.
I hate when i hope you will.
I hate when i know you won't.
I hate Me.

That's it. I'm done. You're done.
I will. Move on. Don't stay.

a getaway..

salam~

had a great weekend and by great, i mean really great...
arrived at KL and from LCCT, we went to late Kak Zarin's house..
had luch there, and after Zohor, we went to "visit" her.. this time, it feels different, maybe
because i have accepted the fact that she's gone...al-fatihah to her..miss u so much akak~
after that, we went for some i-pod hunting (a dissappointed one...huhu)
then, we had our dinner @ Delicious and talked for hours (i think..haha)
the next morning, got an SMS from Azri asking "jom breakfast!"... and there we goes.. Khalifah Restaurant to breakfast with Azri and Maya...
then, went shopping at Jalan TAR and after that, checked-in @ Vistana Hotel.
Later at night, we went to see the Muzikal Tun Mahathir at Istana Budaya... (okey la...not bad~)
and the next day, we had photoshoot session with Nono at Putrajaya until about 4 pm...fuh~
Lastly, lunch at Saba' Restaurant and fly back to KT at 8 pm...

-a blast holiday i must say-

but, in the middle of the holiday, i realized something,
something that i wished it could go away..
i miss him, afterall~

retreat...

Ya Allah,
andai ini yang terbaik untukku,
aku redha..
andai dia bukan untukku,
aku redha...
andai ini dugaan menguji keimananku,
aku redha..

Ya Allah,
airmata yang tumpah ini,
Kau redhailah ia,
kesedihan ini,
Kau redhailah ia.

Ya Allah,
Hanya Kau Mengetahui isi hatiku,
Hanya Kau Mengetahui semua perjalananku..
Hanya Kau Mengetahui ikhlaskah aku..
Hanya Kau..

Ya Allah,
Biarlah esokku disinari pelangi,
Biarlah esokku masih berdiri,
bernafas berbakti di muka bumi,
Biarlah esokku cinta akan kutemui,
Cinta semata-mata keranaMu, Ilahi.....


KepadaMu, Ya Allah, aku redha dan tawakkal....